Modern “Indian” Love: Part 1!
This weekend I accidentally came across the series “Modern Love” on Amazon Prime and binge watched the whole 8 episodes as I have been a fan of the New York Times’ section on Modern Love with some amazing heart-wrenching stories of love of all kinds.
As an Indian living in times of dramatically evolving societal norms, my thoughts drifted towards my own past experiences and stories of love I had heard across cities and among people who have stumbled upon in my life. While in most cases the acceptance of same-sex love or relationships of LGBTQ members typically classified as acceptance of “modern love”, seems like there are many barriers to be broken while love and relationships have multitude definitions in our times. In this 4 part series, I shall like to take you on a journey of love in India, as I see it. For Part 1 we shall navigate through Matching and Dating in Our Times.
Matching with The One.
Beyond dating microsites and apps like Tinder and Bumble, arranged (and family-approved) dating or “matchmaking” through various platforms like Shaadi.com or Bharatmatrimony.com are options that people have. Many a time these platforms are managed by parents or family members of the individual. In terms of algorithms, you could narrow down and filter options not only according to your professional interests and hobbies but can consider the other person’s salary, ancestral lineage and horoscope as well! Ding! Sounds like a good way to find your closest soulmate? And especially when all your tinder swipes are so unmatchable. Well, it still works for a majority of the people, who haven’t found family approved love or for families who are as I like to call it, “shopping” for a suitable match for their wards. While the recent series on Netflix, Indian Matchmaking might be a horrific portrayal of this process, arranged matchmaking does exist across many Asian countries in the world, in similar formats (an Iranian or a Turkish matchmaking show won't be any different!)
Be it the apps or the matchmaking platform, many among us are constantly stressed about meeting the expected standards of beauty and success, while constantly masking true selves. People are reluctant to share their previous statuses and circumstances in many cases, and the emphasis on professional success or achievements make the profiles look more like LinkedIn pages.
The commoditisation of love, relationship and marriage in the country has truly altered the essence of a modern mature understanding of the first step in finding love for women and men. Millennials and Gen Z members yet sometimes fall short of actually owning it up and being able to choose their partners beyond caste and creed or religion while as a group these generations truly believe in contributing greatly to the wider society and diversity and inclusion.
As I write about this, I am reminded of how little might have changed in our social order, while we catapult at neck break speeds across other aspects of our lives. But on the bright side, the adventurous ones might still stumble upon their true love while on a trek to the Himalayas, at a music fest in the northeast, during a yoga retreat in South India or around the corner at the office copier machine!
Moving on to Dating or Courtship
How you may stumble upon a chance at love, can be uncertain or a concerted effort of the universe. Thus, dating probably is the easier part if you have crossed the hurdle and found someone you enjoy spending your time with.
So while dating freely might be easier than in West Asian countries, but to be able to explore how in sync you might be with your partner, personal hurdles and barriers still remain. Loving another person unconditionally and wholeheartedly accepting another human being requires patience, endurance and utter commitment. Your matches might have been on your goals and choice of holiday destinations, but your financial status might change, you might want to leave a cushy job in investment banking and become a social worker, or worse, you might be struggling with a diagnosis of bipolarity! Won’t you want rather want to be with someone who understands your purpose and values more than your ability to make a good deal? Even you have already found the one, you might want to take a step back as you are you contributing to your relationship.
To this day I see many beautiful relationships breaking under the pressure of the external differences as well. Families disproving of the cultural backgrounds or due to their close-minded egoistic demands, don’t realise that they won’t be around to resolve any day to day challenges between two people as their life evolves. Thus, most people prefer to keep their dating under the wraps, not out of choice but to avoid facing the pressure of committing too soon or the fear of being judged. It’s even more difficult for older individuals who are looking for love or a second chance at it. My friends and same-sex couples find it a lot easier to keep up their narrative of living with a friend or a cousin while many men with a children find it a lot harder to let another woman step into their lives, without being judged.
Contrary to the narrative that we are more open to accepting Love as Love, societal challenges are still playing spoilsport in letting people in the country choose and accept whom they want.
In the next part, I would like to talk about the philosophy of love, conversations with my friends and what my teacher said about walking on 3 parallel pathways with someone you love.
